I love lists. There's just something so pure and powerful about sitting down, and writing columns and columns of words. It's almost like meditation for me - just the act of intentionally writing down my dreams, wishes, desires, gratitude and plans seems to make them that much more real to me.
Sometimes they're frivolous - fleeting little traces of sunny days and optimism; their margins wrinkling and waving like grass in the wind. Other times they're serious - rock-solid recounts of the future in shapes similar to bricks, unbreakable and sturdy. More often than not, they fall somewhere in between - a bending structure - like a hammock, safely holding both dreams and needs, play and work, heart-whispers and soul-shouts.
With the new discovery of my anxiety issues, I found myself wanting nothing more than to do everything and anything in the world, yet being crippled by an agonizing fear that stemmed from no source. It was endless, angry, shivering fear that bolted me in to place and stuck me there like a spring full of tar. I watched as days passed by wistfully dreaming of things - only dreaming, never doing. I'd wake up each morning ready, full of verve and eager to conquer the world, only by nightfall to be crushed, meek and terrified. I still struggle with it many days - I'm someone who has constantly been hard on myself - disappointed when I'm not leaping over chasms and riding elephants (which, for the record, I have never done...). I suffered myself through days upon days of internal abuse, angry words silently being exchanged in the blink of an eye, or the breath of a sigh. It was awful, and a reality I know I'm not alone in facing.
Lists were my way out. On lists, I could carefully and gently write out my dreams, write out my intentions. On lists, on paper, I could dream gently, and silence the inner tyrant that brought me so much pain every night. I could set gentle goals, plan for bigger ones. And as I worked through each one, I could point out to the inner tyrant the crossed lines, the checked in boxes. Slowly, lists helped me to care for myself, and develop a system of visual satisfaction and reminders that pushed me out of my anxiety.
And this year, I had full intentions of making as many lists as possible. For the time being, it included simple columns of dreams for the month to come. A type of list I called 'The Lovely Times List'. They included daily adventures I planned for, goals to move me forward, and other little random musings for the month ahead - some serious, others not so much. From January to April, they've gotten quite a bit more extensive and creative in their appearance and reach, but they're still simple lists encouraging me to do things that I normally wouldn't do.
Now that I'm feeling a bit better, it's time for more. I'm dreaming of lists upon lists of things, and I can't wait to share them with you.
No comments:
Post a Comment