3 Questions...

 (source: unknown - this is the best I've got)

Well - it's July. Man, the year has been a crazy mess of things coming and going. Then again, I keep hearing everyone saying "WOW 2013, where have you gone?!" and honestly...I don't want to be that kind of person. It's July. After June and before August.

And honestly, I've spent the past few weeks in one of those 'I have no idea' hazes. The kind where everything seems muddy and you're in-between places and you seem kind of lost, but not lost enough at the same time...

Yeah. It's been a weird few weeks.

And I know that all seasons of life ebb and flow, and that eventually I'll pull out of this weird place. I feel like I'm slowly emerging myself. And what I'm really finding to help me are three simple questions. They're giving me enough clarity to hold out through the aimlessness, and maybe they can give you some, too.

What do I want to learn?

What do I want to improve (that I already know a bit of)?

What do I want to experience?

I'll see you on the other side of this weird, twisty tunnel, friends.

How to be a fat bitch - Part two: Reclaim the word 'Fat'

Hello - my name is Fat ♥.

I'm a little late for this lesson in How to be a Fat Bitch (okay – like 3 or 4 weeks late - oops). I really struggled with this exercise – but after my womanifesto, I've decided I really can't afford to hold back. This is a sort of fatifesto - a topic I could write for ages on. I've compiled a lot of my feelings in to one post - I'll let the work speak for itself.***

Fat. Until I was six, I was Melissa. I was that silly little girl who was always covered in mud and never liked to wear clothes (some habits you never shake, I guess...). I was good at art and dancing and was always really really nice.

Then, suddenly, I became fat.

A girl sneered at me, finger crooked in my direction, yelling the word at me like a harpoon, and laughter erupted across the classroom. The sense of shame and guilt that the word carried...I understood it even at the age of six.

It felt dehumanizing. Suddenly I wasn't Melissa – I was That Fat Girl, Fatty, Whale, Your Fatness, Ugly – I gained a veritable encyclopedia of new names – awful ones. When you're different, especially if you're fat, you lose your name, your thoughts, your worth, your very identity. You become fat. And fat, to the people using it as a weapon against you, is nuclear-grade awful.

I spent my entire childhood avoiding that word.

Mom never kept a scale. I'd go to friends houses to weigh myself. 68 pounds. 89 pounds. 100 pounds. 150 pounds. My life suddenly inflated and deflated with my body's rhythms. Although it mostly deflated as my body seemingly inflated.

Every time I heard that word – fat – it felt as though my world was ending. It was the ultimate weapon against me. Shame and guilt and fear of rejection can do some serious damage, especially when they're used against you while you're forming your very understanding of the world around you.

I spent my entire teenage years trying to avoid that word.
That damn word that caused me so so much pain.

All my faults, all my mistakes and failures, were blamed on my fat. She'd be so pretty if she wasn't so big. So fat. Move over fatass – you're blocking my view. Fat. Guys don't like you because you're fat. If only you'd drop a few pounds. Get in to shape now with this new weight loss breakthrough. Don't you know it's bad for you, carrying around all that extra weight?

Until a few years ago a crippling anxiety began growing over me and my relationship to fat, growing as I went through high school. Fat became a crisis. A Universal Health Risk. Obesity. Suddenly the word that had tortured me my entire life was accepted more, under the mask of 'science' and a new breed of hatred followed. Anxiety took over. I started counting calories. I started wondering whether the lunch I ate really had value staying in my stomach. I started thinking that maybe if I stopped eating – replacing food with this or that, I could kill this demon following me.

Until a few years ago, I had an eating disorder that doctors wouldn't diagnose because I am fat. Again, that word. That bias. That hatred.I've had to navigate the waters of recovery on my own because of the power of that word.

That damn word has defined me and my relationship towards my body for too long. It's haunted me and chased me like some kind of ghost out of one of those creepy as hell horror movies. All white faced and thin – just like the media wants me. Another nicely fitting peg to slide in to the mould and leave. Another shadow of the person they could be floating around - at least they're skinny, though, right?

No more. 

Yes, world. I am fat. Fat. You hear me? That word you've used as a weapon against me, that word that has tied me down, quieted me, ordered me to take up less space than I do – as if you even had the right to demand that of me!

I am fat. I am healthy. I am wonderful. I am a freakin' human being and being FAT does not make me any less than you. I will take up as much space as I damn please, and I refuse to let your hateful words define me any more. I'm taking this word and I am making it mine. I'm covering it in glitter and dancing with it.

So next time you try to tell me I'm fat – I'll laugh. I'll say 'You bet' and dance my fat ass away from you. Because I'm wonderful. And I will not live the rest of my life hating the body I live in because seeing a happy, healthy fat person makes you uncomfortable (get over it). Because our society defines a woman's worth by her ability to match the very, very narrow standard of beauty (I'm sick of it). I will not live in a society that demonizes people for the space they take up (there's enough space for everyone).

I'm happy, healthy, human - and, yes, fat! Get over it and accept it. Because I am – finally.

***I would also just like to point out that this is the first time I've actually shared pictures of myself on this blog. And these are the first pictures in a long time where I actually do feel pretty darn gorgeous...

Instead of feeling bad about your body...

Source: living-moon.tumblr.com via Melissa on Pinterest

Here are 100 ways to get out of that funk and start practicing some self-love. Take a deep breath and try any or all of these!

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Go for a walk ♥ Stretch it out ♥ Dance around wildly (undies and hairbrush are optional, but encouraged) ♥ Draw hearts all over it ♥ Trace your stretchmarks ♥ Look at some beautiful fat bodies ♥ Sketch some humans ♥ Get a massage ♥ Put on some red lipstick ♥ Paint your nails ♥ Throw some confetti ♥ Take a long bath ♥ Watch the clouds ♥ Sing as loudly as you can ♥ Make something beautiful ♥ Laugh until you cry ♥ Make a snow angel ♥ Read your horoscope ♥ Watch something ridiculous ♥ Play a great game ♥ Bake a cake ♥ Eat a cake ♥ Put on some perfume ♥ Try out a new outfit ♥ Help someone else ♥ Smile ♥ Say something positive ♥ Talk to yourself in the mirror ♥ Turn off the TV ♥ Listen to some happy music ♥ Clean up a space that needs attention ♥ Water plants ♥ Make a bird feeder ♥ Add sparkles to something ♥ Wear some silly socks ♥ Snuggle in to your favourite outfit ♥ Get a hug ♥ Sing all the words to this (I know you know it) ♥ Read a book ♥ Read this book ♥ Have some tea ♥ Give yourself a hug ♥ Play with a cat ♥ Watch this cat ♥ Make up a stupid costume ♥ Light a candle ♥ Wash your face ♥ Learn 10 words in a new language ♥ Make a collage ♥ Take some pictures ♥ Go to a store and pick out paint chips ♥ Make some paper stars ♥ Soak up some sunlight ♥ Pick some flowers ♥ Say 3 nice things about yourself ♥ Take a nap ♥ Write down ten bad thoughts, then destroy the paper ♥ Smudge ♥ Journal ♥ Say a prayer ♥ Donate 5 dollars to a charity of your choice ♥ Tell someone else they're beautiful ♥ Write a letter ♥ Call an old friend ♥ Call or talk to your mom ♥ Paint something (and get messy) ♥ Make a pinata ♥ Watch a TED talk ♥ Hug a tree ♥ Bake some cookies ♥ Give some cookies to someone who needs them ♥ Learn to do a cartwheel ♥ Learn to knit or crochet ♥ Make some button flowers ♥ Write down 10 things you're thankful for ♥ Write a letter to your body ♥ Draw a self-portrait ♥ Unplug ♥ Paint your toe nails ♥ Wear your favourite undies ♥ Watch the stars ♥ See the sun set or rise ♥ Catch raindrops or snowflakes on your tongue ♥ Play in leaves ♥ Build a blanket fort ♥ Read SARK ♥ Make some guerilla art ♥ Decorate your shoes ♥ Write a poem ♥ Make a funky t-shirt ♥ Look at your fingerprints (so cool) ♥ Try henna-ing your hair ♥ Read a kid's book ♥ Visit someone ♥ Rearrange your clothes ♥ Listen to some classical music ♥ Watch some people ♥ Read some body positive blogs ♥ Write out your feelings ♥ Try this yoga move

Well Hello 2013: A Goals Book

I'm not quite sure what to think of it. Maybe the Mayans were on to something...

I don't know if maybe the Christmas rush, all the carols and shoppers and santas drowned out my senses and kept me from feeling it. Or maybe it did turn with the new year - maybe I need to stop being such a pragmatic and wonder if perhaps there is a tiny bit of magic as our year turns. Maybe it is more than a date on the calendar. Or maybe it just came down to all the darn work and reviewing and reevaluating of my life I did before new years. Or maybe it was a bit of all of these things, combined; I have no idea...
 


All I know is that when the year ticked by in to a new one, I felt...newer. I felt a sudden, slightly terrifying sort of energy rush in to me and start bouncing around inside of me. A positive glow that no matter how much I try, I can't seem to shake. It seems like Max caught it too, and suddenly we've become these crazy, goal-oriented people - er...not that we weren't crazy to begin with. We feel good - really good, and that's a really great change from how 2012 worked out for us. We were carrying a lot of awful stuff, negative emotions that weren't necessarily our own. They've eased up a bit, and we're revelling in the magic of that feeling.




This is odd for me, especially in the middle of January. Being a long-time sufferer of Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), winters are usually the gloomiest months, where I'm left to simper in a kind of pathetic puddle of pudding consisting of cold, grey weather, and even colder, greyer thoughts. 2013, for me, has been dubbed the Year of Passion, as I'm finding that my thoughts have bloomed in to a really, really great place where I can manage to focus my energies and grow.




Maybe I'm going crazy, but suddenly I feel like someone's filled that grey mess with sunshine and optimism. And I really don't care how awful things get this year - I want to hold on to that, and keep that with me. So I made a book of all sorts of lovely things I want to do this year. Not really resolutions, more of gentle goals and things I'm really, really passionate about seeing happen. I think all together, I came up with 12 different areas of my life, as well as an outstanding challenge of finding 13 things I am Really, Truly, Honestly passionate about this year.




It's a pretty genius solution, if I do say so myself. I broke my life down in to a number of areas that I want to enjoy. Then I made individual, measurable goals that I can do, for the most part, quite easily, or with some routine-restructuring. Those dots, each cut from a magazine, have been glued in with a really light paste (think paper-mache mix. A bit of flour and water, a bit of salt. It sticks just enough to not take the whole page with it if you pulled it off).




Now here's where the genius part comes in. Every time I complete a goal, I get to rip the circle out of the book, and either display it, or put it in a jar and look at how awesome I'm doing. If I can complete all the goals in a 'section', I  have an awesome paper-gold medal waiting for me at the end of each book that I can display and brag about. Since I tend to err on the flighty side, I left some spaces blank, so I could add some other goals as the year progresses.

It serves as both a happy reminder that I can cart around with me, and a sort of accountability partner for when I feel a lot less inclined to do goals. It's totally portable, and just screams 'carry me in your purse'. I embraced imperfection with it (the pages are FAR from even, and the tabs on the sides are all skewed, but it works) and finished something for a change. For the first project of 2013, I'm unbelievably proud of it!

 I'd be happy to share more about how I made it, if anyone is interested. If you happen to be inspired, or have a goals book yourself, I'd love to see them!

2012 Reflections

Source: call-me-cupcake.blogspot.com via Melissa on Pinterest

It's that time again. Time for resolution making (and, in a few weeks, for most people, breaking). Now that the darkest part of winter has passed, we can slowly begin to come out of hibernation, shed our old skins, stretch a bit, and grow. And maybe that's why we all make resolutions. Because we're so anxious to get to that stage of 'newness'. That stage where we feel like winter's grip has finally left us, and a bit of optimism and hope can come back (especially those of us with Seasonal Affective Disorder - winter can really, really feel like an uphill battle).

Considering that on the 21st of December, the sun set at around 4:00pm where I live (call that an end of the world situation...ew), I am WAY past excited for days to get longer. And with that, especially this year, has come this child-like enthusiasm for change. For growth. For doing things that make me feel amazing and happy and free.

Last year, I made a list of resolutions using Chris Guillebeau's Annual Review planner (it's free - don't worry!). It was a real treat to look back on it this past week, seeing what I managed to do, what I didn't do, and what I surprised myself with. I'm sure everyone is saying this - but I really have grown since I sat here on 2011, sad and confused and harboring a bitterness for things that were out of my control.

I've learned to be grateful for the things in my life. I've learned to let go of bitterness and grief (even though it sneaks up on me every so often). I have a new kitty named Bacon, and we recently added a dog to our family, too, named Eggs! I managed to create this blog, as well as create an etsy shop and get myself in to a craft show (holy cow - when you stop blogging for a while, the need for sharing really adds up. Pictures on all of this to come, I promise!) I proved to myself that some really awesome things can happen, even when you're not expecting them.

Although 2012 was a year I faced a lot of personal problems and struggles - guilt, anger, dealing with expectations and pressure from living in a small town, I feel really good, and really proud of all that I've done. And I'm so happy to have shared it with a wonderful, wonderful partner, too!

Today Max and I went to the liquor store (holy crap - we never drink, so this was a big, hilariously awkward thing for us. We were standing there shuffling around trying to look like we knew what we were doing...oh, the joys of trying new things) and bought ourselves a bottle of champagne. 2013, I can't wait. You're going to be a wonderful year for me. I have so many plans, and I know that many will fall short, but I know that there will be many successes and happy surprises in store for me, for us, and for you too! I can't wait to share it with you all!

Thanks for being here for the journey - we're just getting started. This next week, I'll be sharing my goals (I made an awesome book to keep track of my progress over the year that I'll be sharing) and I have some real life updates, too! I have so many awesome things planned for the blog this year - stay tuned!


Do you believe in resolutions on New Years? What do you have planned for 2013?

wise words...

“The planet does not need more ‘successful people.’ The planet desperately needs more peacemakers, healers, restorers, storytellers and lovers of all kinds. It needs people to live well in their places. It needs people with moral courage willing to join the struggle to make the world habitable and humane and these qualities have little to do with success as our culture is the set.”

--Tenzin Gyatso, the 14th Dalai Lama

The 101 Challenge: 10/101

Source: flowerchilddwelling.com via Melissa on Pinterest

So I'm participating in Brighid's 101 Challenge - an adventure in answering positive and affirmative, constructive questions to yourself. I have to agree with what she's written - I too want to see more improvement in myself before the new year comes to pass.

Asking the right questions can really put a spotlight on what is important to you. It's also fantastic at chasing away doubts. I've been feeling really muddy lately - muddled, fuzzed and confused. Kind of like a film has crept over my inner compass and I'm traveling, slowly, in circles. It's absolutely infuriating. And these questions seem to be helping me find my way.

These questions are the first 10 in the series. I've answered them as honestly and as openly as I could. Being a fairly private person, this is quite the leap for me (which is a big part of why I started this blog). Expect more in the coming weeks.

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1 – Who are you?

I am Melissa – a 20 year old artist and overall creative maven living in one of the most beautiful places on earth. I am the latest of a long, long string of lives – lives that visit me quite frequently. I am a gypsy – I can't stay in one place, or do one thing, for very long. I am creative enchantment. I aim to be an artist in all that I do – communicating without words, to places that stir other people's souls.

2 - What are you passionate about?

So many things! Passion colours much of what I do. Sometimes too much, I think. But mostly, I am passionate about creativity. About doing things my own way. I am passionate about expressing myself and the world that I live in, in any and every means I can get my hands on. I also am passionate about connecting, helping and healing others, and fighting against the injustices in the world.

3 - What are the achievements you are most proud of?

- Honour roll all through high school

- Art exhibition in grade 12

- Surviving a year in Toronto, absolutely clueless

- Making our etsy shop
- Having a 'legit' business (with business cards, and public appearances, to boot!)

- Writing in this blog

- Trying to do things differently and expansively in a small, narrow-minded place

4 - What are you most grateful for?

A mommy that loves me to the bottom of her heart. Grandparents who would do the same in a heartbeat (and provide cookies and pickles while that happens). A partner who supports me, loves me, and inspires me daily. A warm house. Our basement den and our kotatsu. Our kitty Bacon. A body that has DANCE etched on its muscles. My reading nook. The trees and forest and wilderness that surrounds me. A community I am slowly connecting more and more with online and off.

5 - What are the most important things to you in life?

Creativity. Art and Love, in all their forms. The untamed beauty of the forest. Freedom to be myself, and room to dance around wildly. Connecting with the natural forces of the world. Family – the one that we choose.

6 - How would you describe yourself?

Creative Enchantment.

7 - What are your values? What do you represent? What do you want to embody?

I value honesty, action, wonder, freedom, peace and Love. I represent all of these values to the best of my ability, as well as creativity (have I said that enough yet?) and artistry in all that you do. These are the qualities I want to embody the most – and since there are so many layers to each one, I will continue to cultivate each one carefully.

8 - Do you love yourself?

Honestly? I haven't for the longest time. It's been a very, very tough mountain to climb to get to where I am. I'd say it's a very passionate, if somewhat volatile affair with myself (I'm still cheating with Love – Hate tends to be a frequent visitor). I have my great days, and I have my awful days. Every time I look back, though, love is gaining ground.

9 - Why or why not?

For so long, I've been told for a number of reasons that I'm undeserving of love. I constantly fear that I'm not worthy of it, and am constantly struggling with a voice that tells me I'll never, ever deserve it. Whether it's because of my body, my status (economically, socially, etc) my personality, or even my chosen career (life) path. I've lived under a shadow of 'not good enough' that's sunk it's way under my skin. But I know that I'm worthy of it. I really do. I just need to constantly fight back monsters that tell me otherwise.

10 - How can you love yourself more today?

Treat myself. “I am worthy of love” repeat it all the time. Care for my body through loving movement and nourishing foods. Connect with people who support and encourage me. Allow myself to create – even if it's 'bad'. Act like a child sometimes. Do every thing that crosses my busy, busy mind. Always say 'yes' to moments that pop up. Avoid people and things (yes, that includes you, television) that make me feel even the tiniest bit bad.

Dear world: I'm not a robot.

Source: flickr.com via Melissa on Pinterest

 Lately, I've been neglecting almost everything. I've been hiding under a blanket, watching an entire anime series, playing various video games, drinking TONS of tea, and giving too much attention to a cat named Bacon. And I've felt pretty awful about it, which made me realize that's NOT okay.

Sometimes we need to step away to get a better outlook on things.

Sometimes it's alright to admit that you need a break.

Sometimes we can't stand to be around the things we once loved.

Sometimes it's necessary to abandon things, in order to seek out new ones.

It's totally alright if we fail sometimes. Nobody is a perfect, creation/working/speaking/whatever you do fantastically machine. We're not robots.

I think sometimes we get too caught up in being 'productive' that we neglect our Selves. We mistake 'rest' for 'failure'. And when we do that, sometimes they fight back. Suddenly they throw up blocks you've never encountered before. Suddenly something that once came so easily to you won't come at all. Suddenly you feel like doing nothing but curling up on the couch with a big, heavy blanket and a cup of tea, playing video games and watching an entire season of anime with a cat on your lap...

Or whatever you do for comfort. hint: usually this has NOTHING to do with being 'productive'
And, hint, usually you'll feel guilty about it. You'll feel obligated to 'produce', in whatever way you do that.

Maybe you skip your homework. Maybe you party too much. Maybe you sleep in until noon. Or maybe you cry too much, eat too much, laugh too much (be more serious!). Maybe your past-times aren't 'good' enough.

Usually, when we need rest, when we allow ourselves rest, we face the biggest demons we have. Don't let them stop you from taking a break. These things are what make us human. These things are what give the world colour.

And without rest, we cannot be the brilliant beacons of light and energy that we all are. We become sluggish, mired in mental and physical fatigue. So please, when the time comes, and your body says that you need a break, do what you need to do. And then jump right back in to the world, ready and rested. Nourished and healed. If you need to lay back down in a day, in a minute, that's alright. Rest as long as you need, because you have big things ahead of you, and it will be wonderful.

We're not robots. Allow yourself to rest in whatever way you do, so that when you feel ready, you can take on the world again - better and more beautifully than ever.

Don't let fatigue dampen and drown the supernova you are.

Words to Live by...

"Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense."

— Ralph Waldo Emerson

I HAVE EVERYTHING I NEED...

 (July 13, 2012 by Angelos.ru on Flickr)

“I have everything that I need to do what I need to do.” 

It's an affirmation I now have written where I can see it every morning when I wake up.

The other day, my grandfather (I call him Buppa) nonchalantly handed me 100 dollars. Just passed it across the table to me, pressed one of our odd, new, plastic-ey bills in to the palm of my hand. I protested a bit, but he refused to relent, keeping it pressed there until I tucked it safely away in to my wallet.

A few days before that, my boyfriend Max put his arms around me, looked me in the eye, and told me, “You're gonna do some freakin' amazing things, Melissa, and I'm going to love you through them all.”

It's funny. Because lately I've been feeling absolutely crushed. Hopeless and unable to move forward. Deprived of wealth, physically and spiritually. I'm still struggling with the fringes of it, but it's gotten a lot better since.

I've felt alone. I've felt like a single martyr, carrying my burden across plains and deserts, listless and near defeat. I've felt like nobody, absolutely nobody, cares about me and my little space on the planet. I've felt like money defined my own vision, when there was no money with which to define it. Which is a tough, tough thing to swallow when you're a girl set on changing people and changing the world, breaking the norms and shaking the world.

How can you be a hero when nobody wants to listen to you? How can you change people and inspire people when nobody can give you the time of day? How can you build your empire when all you have is sticks and a bit of tar?

But I realized that one cold, hard truth we all come to accept sometimes. A sense of monk-like zen has overcome me, and I feel at ease knowing it: Things aren't as bad as they seem. And once again I was humbled to a deep, deep sense of gratitude. To the point of tears.

Chris Guillebeau talked about investing 100 dollars in to each participant at this year's world domination summit. Hundreds of people came out of this event electrified, supported and passionately set on doing something incredible. I looked at the news with a tinge of jealousy when it first came out, thinking 'man, I wish I had that...' when in reality I should've been thinking 'I have that, too. Maybe not in the same way, or the same time, but I have that.'

Because whether he realized it or not, my Buppa placed his support in me. He placed his own hard-earned money on me and my dream of creatively changing minds. And despite the fact that I'm still a rebel with the most broad idea of what I'm going to do, he still invested in me. Max, despite all my failed attempts at...well...we're both not too sure what I'm doing yet, but I'm doing something, still places his love and support in me every. Single. Morning.

In amongst the silence and desolation my mind had convinced me was present all around me, one of the most important people in my life quietly, and without apology or pity, put 100 dollars on me, and another constantly fills me with energy and love and support spiritually. And I am making a promise to do absolutely everything in my power to make those investments count, even if they're the only things I get.

And maybe you don't have that 100 dollars. Maybe you have 4000. Maybe you have hundreds of supporters at your back. Maybe you have none. Whatever you have, please, don't let that stop you from doing the work, from bringing whatever it is that is hanging on the tip of your fingers, beating silently inside your heard, hammering in your head and trying to claw or simply float its way out of you. Whatever it is, and however it's doing it, you need to bring it in to this world.

And in a time and place so consumed with money and objects, let us all prove to the world that, no, you don't need to be the special case to change things, to bring hope and light and love and energy in to the world. You don't need a million dollars, or to be struck by lightening to do something incredible.

So, armed with my own 100 dollars, a priceless investment of pure moral support from a few very wonderful people, and the second-hand wisdom from you, Chris, and all you World Dominators of '12, I plan on changing the world and doing something incredible. I hope you'll all come along for the ride.